Isolation is easy, but companionship is divine
the cost of silence is connection
a while ago, my mom and I were discussing something regarding parenting and how 'it's better to birth kids back to back and raise them all at once, because once they grow older it gets easier'
I know what you're thinking—it does not get easier, how could it? sure maybe it sounds easy to get over with the 'diaper period' all at once for several kids (it is not), but the older a kid gets, the more they get to know themselves, the world, and everything in between. the harder it gets to talk to them, explain things to them when all they're worried about is themselves. we all at some point have been way too deep in our own heads to listen to someone else who is trying to pull us out of our brain spiraling.
I think the age where this gets really bad is definitely during our teen years (teen angst phase I'm looking at you). my mom tells me I didn't go through a teen angst phase, instead I went through a 'thought about everything way too much, way too out loud' phase which resulted in my parents and others guiding me, and helping me see what I wasn't able to because of what I like to call the teen blur. see, most teen angst phases include the teen blur where we can't think rationally because our thoughts convince us that the world and everyone in it is against you, nothing and no one is making sense at all, everything is very hard and there's no way out, and it doesn't help that our face is often covered in spots. because of all of this, most teens will end up using the one escape route that makes sense to them: isolation.
isolation and not wanting to talk about your feelings which are too complicated to put into words is one heck of a dangerous choice to make for someone so young. to place a curtain over the strongest power Allah has given you—your voice—is to deprive yourself of the chance to grow. if there's one thing I know and believe in it's: we're here on this planet to love and interact, to meet and befriend, to learn and understand others, to spread the Salam¹, and the only way you can do that is if you allow others to peak into your heart, hear your words, and give them the chance to understand. at this stage of teen life, having people around you is incredibly important and unfortunately, this is exactly what a lot of teens struggle with.
take our very first Prophet as an example, the first thing granted to Adam (AS) after knowledge was companionship—Hawwa (RA)². in order to comfort Adam, Allah (SWT) granted him another human, a woman, a lover in this case. that tells me so much about how we can have everything in the world, but nothing will be comfortable without having someone to talk to, to relate to, to share our thoughts with, to hold and hug. it doesn't always have to be a lover, but a friend, a family member, a stranger. it is a very precious gift given to us straight from our Lord, something I am grateful for everyday—people.
what are we if we are not other people? I know for a fact that everything I am is because of someone else. I am a vessel of the words and actions of other people. whether that person is my mom, my brother, my best friend, a teacher who gave me one word of motivation, a substack piece that helped me see things from a different perspective (I'm looking at all of you), or a stranger who picked up a pen I dropped. it all makes me something, every interaction, every conversation, it makes me something. and that is a blessing, to be painted on with the colours of so many humans.
all these people around you are a door that you can open into a world of understanding and love. allowing yourself the chance to speak will help you grow more comfortable with the sensitive thing that is your mind. isolation doesn't only mean isolation physically but isolation of one's thoughts and feelings. a teenager won't just disappear into thin air and not show themselves to anyone, but they'll share their feelings less, they'll voice their thoughts less, they'll avoid it: avoid the feeling of feeling. my friend and I recently spoke about this and it's been getting to me even more now, we were talking about how we'll often avoid difficult conversations in fear of making things awkward, or burdensome for others, this results in this silence which everyone just comes to accept because it's easier to listen to nothing than to listen to everything all at once. but the truth is, it's courageous to talk about your feelings, vulnerability is a scary thing but the people you love would rather you inconvenience them and ask for a blanket than shiver alone surrounded by thunderclouds.
I think one major reason for the isolation period is thinking others don't understand you. if we look at it from a parental perspective, all a parent wants with their angsty teen is to understand them and make them feel better about life. they might try to advise and encourage their teenager to speak their mind, but the response to their care and concern is often just annoyance. I am reminded of a hadith here.
It was narrated from Ibn "Umar that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:
الْمُؤْمِنُ الَّذِي يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَيَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ أَعْظَمُ أَجْرًا مِنَ الْمُؤْمِنِ الَّذِي لاَ يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَلاَ يَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ "
"The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance."
Sunan Ibn Majah 4032
with patience. surely parents feel annoyed at their angsty teen as well. surely parents see those eye rolls, attitude, and desire to be left alone. surely all these things make parents annoyed, but they handle—and must handle—it with patience. and so goes the other way around. it's important for the angsty teen to understand that this will all pass, and all that is required is a bit of patience and tawakkul³.
in a different perspective, such as a friend, you might think of sharing your problems with your friends but hesitate because maybe you think they won't understand, or they'll misunderstand, or they won't say what you want them to, or maybe they're too busy in their own lives to pay attention to you. but let me tell you the truth my dear reader, your friend wants to hear you, understand you, and walk through life with you. may Allah grant you friends that understand you immediately, but even if they don't; having uncomfortable conversations, conversations where you have to explain yourself and elaborate to your friends is a privilege. if your friend asks you to explain what you mean it's them actually whispering, “hey I don't exactly understand you right now, so please tell me more, keep telling me until I understand, because the gift our friendship gives me is being allowed the sweet time to understand you.” And if you are the friend trying to understand, being patient is what will strengthen your friendship and help you two grow as people. that is companionship; sitting through maybe a long, difficult, awkward conversation to come out feeling understood and connected.
companionship is not something to be ignored or forgotten; it is a gift to be kept close to one's heart. take this as a lesson for life itself (not just an angsty teen phase), your words, your thoughts, your feelings— they're all worth hearing, they want to be heard by someone, and they will be heard by the right people.
¹: قَالَ ﷺ: «لا تَدْخُلُوا الجَنَّة حَتَّى تُؤمِنُوا، وَ لَا تُؤمِنُوا حَتَّى تَحَابُّوا،أَوَلَا أدُلُّكُمْ عَلَى شَيْءٍ إذَا فَعَلْتُمُوهُ تَحَابَبْتُمْ، أَفْشُوا السَّلامَ بَيْنَكُمْ»
The Prophet (salla Allaahu ʻalayhi wa salaam) said: 'You shall not enter paradise until you believe, and you shall not believe until you love one another. Shall I not inform you of something, if you were to act upon it, you will indeed achieve mutual love for one another? Spread the Salâm amongst yourselves.'
Sahih Muslim 54
²: Surah Baqarah, Tafsir Ibn Kathir, Verse 35
'Then Adam fell asleep, as the People of the Book and other scholars such as Ibn `Abbas have stated, Allah took one of Adam's left ribs and made flesh grow in its place, while Adam was asleep and unaware. Allah then created Adam's wife, Hawwa', from his rib and made her a woman, so that she could be a comfort for him. When Adam woke up and saw Hawwa' next to him, it was claimed, he said, 'My flesh and blood, my wife.' '
³: tawakkul means placing your full trust and reliance in Allah. it's about doing what you can and then handing over the outcome to Him. it is a key concept in Islam, one that helps us in every moment and keeps us at peace. in a situation where you feel alone with your thoughts and feelings, know that the little voice box Allah has given you has major purpose. make duaa, speak your mind, and have trust in Allah that someone, somewhere out there will understand you and make you feel stronger. be confident in yourself and know that your thoughts and feelings are all part of Allah's blessing to you.
very relatable sentiment 🤌🏽
Mashallah hiba this is such a beautifully written peice, its so deep, relatable and thoughtful. ❤️✨️ Also loved how you tied in the hadiths and the companionship part as well 💕✨️